I Have Found GOD!

A letter I wrote to the hilarious Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half.

Dear Allie,

I was going to post this as a comment on one of your posts but I couldn't figure it out in less than 2 seconds so I gave up in compliance with the ADHD law of 1915 (I don't know what that is, I just made it up). So instead, here's an email:

Dear Allie,

Are you secretly God? Or perhaps maybe just a god? (It's okay, we can't all be God, but many of us can be gods. Don't feel bad.) You may be wondering why I would make that assumption? Let me start from the beginning.

I first learned about your site through a friend at my college's forestry camp (yes that's a real thing) who was constantly wearing (forestry camp has a lot of smelly hippies who don't do laundry) your t-shirt that says "I care about this alot" and I thought, "Hey, that's pretty funny." Mainly because it reminded me of my intense hatred for people who substitute the word "quote" for "quotation" (THEY ARE NOT THE SAME). Then I forgot what I was thinking about and chased a squirrel across the yard.

Flash-forward to several months later (i.e. yesterday), when I was reintroduced to your site through a friend's link via Facebook. Needless to say I was instantly hooked and began to peruse the archive. You may now be wondering, "What does this have to do with me being God or a god?" Well let me tell you.

I have been suffering from one hell of a bitchy chest cold for the past 5 days. Although I could tell that I was starting to get better, I was now faced with that lovely stage of illness where you start coughing up all the wonderful microbes who have unceremoniously decided to lodge themselves inside your lungs. Gross, I know but since you shared your story about your roommate's sex life with the world, I feel you can withstand hearing such subject matter as phlegm from someone you do not know (i.e. me). The problem was that although the cough syrup I was taking contained Guaifenesin, which is supposed to "make coughs more productive," it also contained something that prevented me from coughing at all. I know, it's a brilliant concept. I was now stuck with a chest full of crap (it's a real scientific term) and no way to be rid of it. I was devastated. Faced with no known cure to my ailment, I lay in bed too depressed to move.

That was when, by some stroke of luck or perhaps genius, I decided to visit your website once again with the hopes that it would lift my spirits. As I began to read post after post, I was overcome by the healing power of laughter. I started laughing so uncontrollably that the neighbors now may very well think that I am criminally insane. But this is a small price to pay, for you see I HAVE BEEN CURED!

*insert Hallelujah chorus here*

That's right. Your comics made me laugh so hard that my joyous giggles turned into fits of uncontrollable coughing, thus allowing me to expel the guilty parties from my chest. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that you must either be God or a god. It has also made me consider what else can you could cure. World hunger? SARS? Or perhaps world hunger AGAIN?

Yes, in fact I'm quite sure that if all the starving masses were to simply laugh a bit more, they would shut the fuck up about that other thing they're always complaining about. So please, continue to share your gift of laughter with the world and I will do my part to spread your message of healing via laughter.

Your loyal disciple,

Jackie


P.S. - In retrospect it appears you may not be God or a god, but merely really fucking funny. Either way, I once was blind but now I'm not coughing up a lung. AMEN. Keep up the great work!